Archive for February, 2011

Letter to Samantha

Saturday, February 19th, 2011

Mommy’s Darling Baby,

Mommy misses you a lot.  Whenever Mommy sit down and think of you, tears started to drop. At night, Mommy will still browse the photos of you in Mommy’s phone so that I will not forget your beautiful look. You look so different in person and in photo. Mommy is afraid that Mommy will forget your actual look. Mommy missed carrying you, kissing your forehead, caressing your fine hair, touching your lips, gazing your lovely eyes, our breastfeeding time, making milk for you, administering your medication, the sound of the feeding pump, your cry due to discomfort and cry in request for us to carry you.

Mommy still don’t understand why God gave me a sweetheart like you but make you suffer and then take you away from us. It is because of our sin? Mommy have been praying to God for His healing power. It will be a miracle if you are healed. But God just didn’t want to perform that in your life. There is a reason. Despite all these, we will still obey and love God.

You are now in God’s good hand. He has ended your suffering, pain and discomfort. He knew the best for all of us. Although it’s tiring and requires lots of sacrifice, Mommy has not been complaining in taking care of a special baby like you, hoping that you will one day get well and overcome all the discomfort. Because of the faith we have in God, it has never come to my mind that God will take you away so soon. We know the day will come but why so soon and without any notice?

Mommy should have listened to Daddy to stay at home to take care of you.  Mommy didn’t try to ask for unpaid leave because of the worries in the office as no one is able to backup for me. Knowing my bosses, they would not approve and that will leave me to tender resignation. But that is not a good move as financially we are not ready. We need to save money for your medical use since you are not covered by any insurance.

It’s all too late to regret now.

Mommy bought so many nice clothes for you  in preparation for Christmas and CNY. That shows how long Mommy would want you to be with us. Few days before your last admission, Mommy was just talking to Daddy on the deco theme for Christmas. Mommy was also thinking of bringing you to church for that very first time on Christmas day. Christmas is not the same without you. No deco and Christmas tree put up at home last Christmas.

Yesterday night, it struck my mind that God took you away before Mommy could dedicate you in baptism. It is like a mission uncomplished. I hope God will consider you being saved.

Whenever there is gathering with friends having babies about your age, Mommy tried to avoid it. Mommy couldn’t bear to see other babies gigling and tosing around. It makes me jealous and heartbroken. When I see those pretty dresses hanging for sale at the shopping mall, my heart ache.  I could imagine how beautiful you will be in those dresses.

Everything of you has turn to memories and imagination.