We have a new neighbour recently. This new neighbour of ours have a 1 yo baby. Yesterday night, Jonathan and I were standing at the door looking out to the neighbour’s house. Jonathan then said to me…
Jon: Mommy, Ah Ma ask if I want aunty’s baby. But I told her I don’t want.
Me: Why you don’t want?
Jon: Because I already have a baby in my heart mah…
Me: Who is the baby in your heart?
Jon: Samantha lor…
My heart teared…of happiness and sadness.
My little baby,
Christmas is around the corner. This will be the second year we missed you on Christmas. Last year, Gong Gong teared when he said his prayer, remembering Daddy and Mommy in his prayer, asking God to fill our hearts with joy.
You must be busy preparing for Jesus’ birthday party. I wonder if you will be performing a dance/song for Him. Jonathan kor-kor performed a song together with all the Sunday School children during the Sunday School Christmas celebration.
I guess my Christmas wish would be……a photo of my grown up girl sent down from heaven.
Merry Christmas, Samantha.
Her pulse rate started to drop. She is too weak to swallow her saliva. And eventually she stop breathing without saying goodbye to us.
It has been a year since Samantha left us. Has been imagining how pretty she is if she’s still with us.
Tiny Angel rest your wings
sit with me for awhile.
How I long to hold your hand,
And gaze at your pretty bright eyes.
Tiny Angel, look at me,
I want this image clear….
That I will forget your precious face
Is my biggest fear.
Tiny Angel can you tell me,
Why you have gone away?
You weren’t here for very long….
Why is it, you couldn’t stay?
p/s: Thanks to Petrina for this lovely and thoughtful photo magnet.
We celebrated Jonathan’s 4th birthday in school today. While Jonathan was giving out the party pack to his friends, his teacher reminded them to share with their brothers and sisters at home. Later that night, I had a conversation with Jonathan that goes like this…
Me: Jonathan, teacher say must share the party pack with who?
Jon: With our brother and sister.
Me: Do you have a brother or sister?
Jon: I don’t have.
Me: Are you sure?
Jon: Ermm…I have a sister. But she died already wor.
Last year, we celebrated Jonathan’s 3rd birthday on the same date as well…10 October. His actual birthday is 8 October. By God’s grace, Samantha was able to celebrate Jonathan’s 3rd birthday together with us. Samantha was just 6 months at that time. I wonder how she would look like by now. If she is still around, I think she will be as excited as her kor-kor when she sees Jonathan’s football cake. We probably would need to guard her from damaging the cake with her fingers. 
Here are some snapshots of the event with Samantha.
Missing you lots, sweetie!
Last Sunday (24 April 2011) was Easter. It reminded me of last year during this time. Samantha turned one month old. What a joy and thanksgiving for she managed to pull through her stormy neonatal period. Teng helped to make some cupcakes to be given to Darling’s colleague.
Easter of last year, was the first time she went to church. We brought her to Kajang Chinese Methodist Church. But unfortunately, that was her first and last time at church. Still, we want to praise the Lord.
Me: Jonathan, do you remember you like to hold Samantha’s hand?
Jon: But Samantha die already. I cannot hold her hand.
Dearest Samantha,
Daddy and mommy loves you very much. You’d be one today and with this we would want to wish you a happy loving birthday. Jonathan ko ko also knows that too. He sang birthday song to you when he was preparing for school this morning.
For this year and years to come, you’ll be celebrating your birthdays with Jesus and all other up in Heaven ya. Daddy, mommy and Ko ko Jonathan will meet you one day when the time is right and as God has planned.
We miss you and will keep on remembering you.
Love always,
Daddy, Mommy and Jonathan Ko Ko
Mommy’s Darling Baby,
Mommy misses you a lot. Whenever Mommy sit down and think of you, tears started to drop. At night, Mommy will still browse the photos of you in Mommy’s phone so that I will not forget your beautiful look. You look so different in person and in photo. Mommy is afraid that Mommy will forget your actual look. Mommy missed carrying you, kissing your forehead, caressing your fine hair, touching your lips, gazing your lovely eyes, our breastfeeding time, making milk for you, administering your medication, the sound of the feeding pump, your cry due to discomfort and cry in request for us to carry you.
Mommy still don’t understand why God gave me a sweetheart like you but make you suffer and then take you away from us. It is because of our sin? Mommy have been praying to God for His healing power. It will be a miracle if you are healed. But God just didn’t want to perform that in your life. There is a reason. Despite all these, we will still obey and love God.
You are now in God’s good hand. He has ended your suffering, pain and discomfort. He knew the best for all of us. Although it’s tiring and requires lots of sacrifice, Mommy has not been complaining in taking care of a special baby like you, hoping that you will one day get well and overcome all the discomfort. Because of the faith we have in God, it has never come to my mind that God will take you away so soon. We know the day will come but why so soon and without any notice?
Mommy should have listened to Daddy to stay at home to take care of you. Mommy didn’t try to ask for unpaid leave because of the worries in the office as no one is able to backup for me. Knowing my bosses, they would not approve and that will leave me to tender resignation. But that is not a good move as financially we are not ready. We need to save money for your medical use since you are not covered by any insurance.
It’s all too late to regret now.
Mommy bought so many nice clothes for you in preparation for Christmas and CNY. That shows how long Mommy would want you to be with us. Few days before your last admission, Mommy was just talking to Daddy on the deco theme for Christmas. Mommy was also thinking of bringing you to church for that very first time on Christmas day. Christmas is not the same without you. No deco and Christmas tree put up at home last Christmas.
Yesterday night, it struck my mind that God took you away before Mommy could dedicate you in baptism. It is like a mission uncomplished. I hope God will consider you being saved.
Whenever there is gathering with friends having babies about your age, Mommy tried to avoid it. Mommy couldn’t bear to see other babies gigling and tosing around. It makes me jealous and heartbroken. When I see those pretty dresses hanging for sale at the shopping mall, my heart ache. I could imagine how beautiful you will be in those dresses.
Everything of you has turn to memories and imagination.
I am home in Heaven, dear ones;
Oh, so happy and so bright!
There is perfect joy and beauty
In this everlasting light.
All the pain and suffering is over
Every restless tossing passed;
I am now at peace forever,
Safely home in Heaven at last.
Did you wonder I so calmly
Trod the valley of the shade?
Oh! but Jesus’ love illumined
Every dark and fearful glade.
And he came Himself to meet me
In that way so hard to tread
And with Jesus’ arm to lean on
Could I have one doubt or dread?
Then you must not grieve so sorely,
For I love you dearly still:
Try to look beyond earth’s shadows,
Pray to trust our Father’s will.
There is still work waiting for you,
So you must not idly stand;
Do it now, while life remaineth-
You shall rest in Jesus’ land.
When that work is completed,
He will gently call you home;
Oh, the rapture of that meeting,
Oh, the joy to see you come!
- Unknown author
The Final Chapter
Moments with you were priceless,
Thank you Samantha for your presence in our lives.
Though you were a little not well,
Daddy, Mommy, Ah Ma and Po Po care for you restlessly,
hoping in our hearts you’ll be comfortable all the time.
Jonathan kor-kor miss you very much,
He still thinks that you are in the hospital.
He’ll understand one day that you’re with Jesus now.
Aunties and uncles will always remember you in their heart.
It will be heartaching for Mommy and Daddy when putting away your things and toys.
Daddy and Mommy will continue to draw strength from the Lord.
We will be blessing other babies with your stuff,
We hope you don’t mind.
Dr. Choy, Dr. Winnie and Dr. Shanti cares for you very much,
Do bless them so that they could care for other Mitochondrial babies too.
Samantha, your pain and sickness is now no more,
Jesus has taken care of that,
Enjoy your time with Jesus while waiting for Daddy and Mommy.
God will now continue to write your diary,
Do show to Daddy, Mommy and Jonathan kor-kor when we see you then.
Rest well our darling baby, you will be dearly missed.
Though you are far away from us, you are always close to our heart.
We loves you always.
~ Daddy
~~~~~~~
Indeed God loves her more than we do. Thank you all for your prayers. She is now in God’s good hand. No more pain, no more sickness and no more fear but joy and peace of our Lord, Jesus Christ.
Sam returns to God at 1:23PM 19 Nov 2010.
Her body was laid to rest in Sitiawan, her Daddy and Mommy’s hometown, on 20 Nov 2010.
Samantha…Daddy, Mommy & Jonathan kor-kor loves you.
You will be missed dearly… See you again in Heaven.
We know many of you out there are constantly praying for Samantha. We appreciate that and may God bless you. Please continue to pray for Samantha that she may be able to pull through this time and get well eventually.
We admitted her to GHKL yesterday after noticing her breathing rapidly and lethargic. She was not her usual self and she looks weaker and not responding much. Her condition is not getting much better today. Her blood test results shows that she is worsening. Clinically, she’s not doing well too.
God, we rest Samantha on your care. Your will be done. Amen.
